The struggle for holiness is not a singular event. It is a choice that is made everyday. For those of us who bear more peculiar struggles like same-sex attraction or homosexual inclinations, the battle can be in the act of choosing itself – to be chaste, to be patient, to be faithful – made at every waking moment. Perhaps on many occasions despite our efforts or more frequently because we lack it, the struggle can become a full-blown war for the soul. For like many disorders, even the smallest things can stir inordinate affections while our poor choices, often made in weakness, fan the flames.
The scent of passing man, a quote from a book; images on television or a romantic series you’re watching; a familiar song or a memory which has suddenly tightened its grasp on the present; the laughter of children or an object at home – details of life that appear ordinary to some, but which present the start of a new struggle for a person dealing with disordered affections. Perhaps like me, you who bear this interior darkness have also found yourself waking up to one of those odd days, dealing with the onslaught of a past that insists it is the present. Perhaps the old foe or voice you thought you had defeated suddenly catches you by surprise, having taken advantage of some complacency you had exhibited, an Achilles heel exposed after letting your guard down.
Now, the details, the most ordinary of things and circumstances, hurt you. You wonder why. You spiral into self-pity. Yet, you also take pleasure in the sadness, and revel on what seems like an insurmountable challenge to your quest for holiness. The commonplace leaves you sentimental, nostalgic even. You dream about romance – the kind you have read or watched leading to this fresh fall. You dream about conversations with the other, the sentences composed by the words you’ve heard in your imaginations, the words you want to hear said to you. Perhaps, your own fingers run through those dry lips which have so weakly prayed for strength. And perhaps, after going through all this, you find yourself lonelier than before, despising your body and fraught with fear over your soul.
Are you then, undeserving of God’s love?
Contrary to what you may think, God is closest to you and I at our worst state. “…where sin increased, grace overflowed all the more,” writes St. Paul. It is during the darkest of hours, when the light seems extinguished by our misery and self-doubt, and when space is filled with silence, that God hears us best and most clearly. The heart of man is inclined to believe that he has not loved God the way God expects him to love. Our frailty leads us to believe our falls makes un unworthy to be in God’s presence, and so wrongly distances ourselves from the comforting balm of our wounds. But nothing is more contrary to God’s nature as Love, for God’s love is unchanging. We can be filled more in our state of poverty, for our nothingness is what attracts God and not our merits and virtues.
If you are, like me, going through this state of confusion and melancholy, doubt and discouragement, fear and failure, do not be dismayed. God, who is our true Father, will grant you the grace to bear the Cross once more. Do not lose hope. You will get through this much the same way God has allowed you to overcome the struggles of the past. Be steadfast in your faith. Pray and hope. For God takes delight in children who deal with Him with simplicity, with an unaffected dependence and confidence, no matter their wounds.
Letters to Henri 